Gingantor Spiders and The Lady That Kills Them…

I am usually composed.  However, I lose control of every function of myself when I see a spider.  I fall to absolute pieces.  Just typing this I have the heebie-jeebies.   I can handle most any other creepy crawly being with the simple “fwack” of a shoe, or Fisher Price toy or insanely large wad of toilet paper…not spiders.  I do not care how large, how small, how hairy or unhairy these eight legged nasties are–they are the devil.

Last night I was watching my Monday night show Mistresses, in the dark, sans babies.  I was munching on some graham crackers and peanut butter in complete (not thinking of anything) Bliss–ALL ALONE!  Out of the corner of my eye something large and dark darted towards the fireplace.  My armpits instantly let loose with sweat!  I quickly pulled my legs up and curled into a fetal position with my blanket over my head! “It’s a SPIDER…It’s a SPIDER”  I took a few deep breaths and slowly lowered the blanket–there the beast was, staring back at me with it’s humungous fangs and beady eyes–the TV reflected in them as we stared one another down in the dark.  Not this time beast, you will not hide and you surely won’t eat me…this Mama’s not going down–at least not without a fight!

Slowly, I placed one foot onto the floor, then the other…it was now or never.  I quickly bee lined it through the kitchen into the hall bathroom and grabbed my can of extra hold hair spray and the can of Lysol!  On my way back through the kitchen I slipped into my flip flops and grabbed the roll of Bounty from the counter.  I paused at the edge of the family room, where the kitchen tile meets the carpeting.  I flipped on the light and spotted my opponent.  The words of Kevin McCallister sounded through my head– “This is my house, and I have to defend it”!!  Armed with heavy artillery, I fought back my fears and crossed the threshold.   War is Raw.  I jumped onto the oversized ottoman…It’s 8 lengthy legs twitched in anticipation.   I popped the lids off of hairspray and Lysol–this thing’s gonna die germ free with great hair!

I knew that once I started spraying it was going to try and make a run for it so I had to be stealthy–here goes nothing.  1-2-3…SPRAY SPRAY SPRAY…I was spraying so hard with both index fingers I could feel them turning purple from all of the pressure!  hahaha!  This creature tried to run…but soon lost speed once I jumped to the floor and started spraying closer and closer…it’s movements soon ceased once the hairspray started to work.  VICTORY WAS MINE!

In my gloating moment of confidence–I felt super sure of myself that I had conquered the enemy.  Yeah, famous last words.  I crept down really close…we were eye to eye.  And then the unspeakable happened…the hairspray WORE OFF and the SPIDER STARTED DARTING FOR MY FACE!!!!  I tried to get up, but I felt like a dog chasing it’s favorite ball across a wet tile floor…I was all arms, legs and feet…flailing body parts a muck!   IT TOUCHED ME–then I went to slapping and beating myself stupid!   I was yelping and squawking and speaking a language that was foreign to my ears….I swear I was speaking in tongues–me and the Holy Ghost were in a serious conversation of sorts…WHY GOD WHY???!!! Why did you create spiders???!!!

I found myself up on the back of the couch…the part I am constantly pulling my 2 year old down from…you know the spot–it’s the “Wooka Meeee Mommy…I gunna jump!!!” spot.  I scanned the room, where did it go?!?!   I stayed upon my perch for nearly 10 minutes and saw zero movement within the family room.  Maybe it crawled into a corner to go in peace?   My adrenaline rush had started to slow and I eased down onto the cushions.  I regained some composure and decided to go in the kitchen and get a drink of water…I was quite parched from all of this crazy that had just occurred…it was all too much for me to wrap my head around.  Somewhere lurking in my house is a sticky spider that has been severely disinfected.

Let’s just say I didn’t sleep well last night…visions of hairy brown spiders danced through my head.   My husband the Army Man must NEVER know of the events that took place.  It’s entirely too embarrassing!!!

What about you?  What creepy crawly are you most afraid of?

Brown Spider

VERY MUCH LOOKED LIKE THIS!!!  ICK ICK ICK!!!

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